The Thoughts

Summary

I wrote down all of the thoughts going through my head between 7:30 and 8:00 am on the morning of 22 April 2012. This I hope gives you an idea of what my mind has to deal with in every waking hour.

  • Trying to make sense of 2 dreams. One turning up at a cinema with my sister to watch a new James Bond fil – yet ended up watching 2 top movie stars doing a ballroom skit with Len effing Goodman! They then suddenly appear out of the screen and I give them advice on the foxtrot. Male movie star (I want to avoid celeb spam in the comments) then sings a “thank you” tribute! That has me in stitches.
  • Next dream is argument with my younger brother on helping take 2 huge towers of files to London on the last evening train from Cambridge. I said wait till next morning as no tubes when we arrive.
  • Wonder whether to check tweets – No.
  • Sadness over loss of friendship over breakdown
  • Do I want to watch the FA Cup Final or would I rather watch a re-run of the 1989 final? Am more familiar with players in the latter.
  • Do I open the blind? Yes – Oh what a lovely sunny  morning!
  • Why did all the UK spa breaks I checked yesterday only have them for 1 or 2 day breaks?
  • Do I want to commit to a 2 year applied science course part time?
  • How long will this recovery really take?
  • Will I cope with Monday’s conference? Can I afford it? Should I take Puffles? I want to meet up with another new friend. Should I offer to meet with an existing one?
  • What about my finances and taxes?
  • My room is a mess – I want to tidy it but feel so exhausted and disempowered
  • Song/earworm: “Every time we say goodbye”
  • Why is there so much pressure in my head?
  • Will CES work for pressure in my head and will my parents help pay for it?
  • Counselling doesn’t start till next month – should  I go private and will family help with costs?
  • Why is there so much tension in the back of my neck?
  • Arrrrgh!!! Road traffic noise! I hate it!
  • What shall I do today
  • Reminded of “Blazin’ Squad” – what ever happened to them?
  • Teeth clenching – bruxism :-(
  • How can I get rid of spasmed intercostal muscles in my chest? They’ve been like this since 2001.
  • What is my medium-longterm employment future to be?
  • Does this breakdown make me undateable, unloveable and unbearable?
  • How do I protect others from the fallout – I’ve already lost 1 friendship over it and don’t want to lose any more.
  • Impact on social networks of loss of friendship – I don’t want a polarisation or taking of sides
  • When I type this up, should I ask lost friends to read this? No
  • Sadness again over lost friendship
  • Bad memories of my last major implosion in 2005
  • Need to get back to old workmate who I bumped into on Friday
  • Money worries
  • Need to renew passport as invited to stay for a week away with a friend
  • Do we go to a spa while away?
  • Crikey this writing is intense!
  • Notice birdsong – can they eat more of the annoying insects please – and leave the honeybees alone?
  • Reminded of a documentary on bees vs elephants & hives linked by wire used by farmers to protect crops. What about domesticated dogs to protect from smaller herbivores that creep under the wire?
  • Thirsty – need a drink
  • Notice the chocolate bar on table. Chocolate for breakfast? No. What about jellybellies? Only if I want a sugar rush. Anxiety?
  • How will I tame anxiety?
  • Can I soundproof my bedroom from traffic noise?
  • Converting the attic?
  • And breathe out!
  • Head pressure
  • When should I start yoga again?
  • When will it be safe to cycle?
  • What about my driving licence?
  • Lost friend drives
  • Lost friend supports football team
  • Who am I going to support if anyone football-wise? Need to reconnect with football
  • And breathe
  • Need to clean laptop screen
  • Need to learn WordPress properly
  • Why am I spending 80% of my energy on angst? Why can’t I redirect it?
  • How long will recovery take?
  • Will I recover or am I destined to be dependent on my parents? What happens when they’re gone?

All of the above went through my mind (plus a little more) in the space of 30 minutes. Now, multiply all of that out for all day, every day for the past however many years and you get an idea of just how draining having an over-active mind can be. It sucks the life out of you. If I could redirect even just some of the energy that is consumed by this over-activity of thoughts, I’d be far more productive.

Edited to add:

One of my first bosses during my civil service days (who got out soon after I moved down to London to do far more fun creative stuff) wrote an interesting response to this post here. Her blog will be of interest to anyone who is a feminist and takes an interest in body image issues in the media.

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7 Responses to The Thoughts

  1. @LifeInCustody says:

    Things that will really really help – I know from personal experience
    1. A diet high in B vitamins, magnesium and essential fatty acids low in sugar
    2. Meditation particularly mindfulness. V difficult to start but persevere
    3. Shiatsu. You don’t have to believe in it, just do it.
    4. Cranial osteopathy, ditto
    One day at a time x

  2. K says:

    You are very brave and thoughtful to share. I found that a daily dose of omega oils sort of helps to focus a bit. I have started running and because I am so rubbish at it I have to work really hard and sometimes I realise I was so busy trying to breath my brain had been quiet! All the best,

    K

  3. “If I could redirect even just some of the energy that is consumed by this over-activity of thoughts, I’d be far more productive.”

    Yep, that’s my problem. If you find out how please share. I’m thinking mallet to the head!

  4. ftdjenny says:

    I’m just like this too – i can never concentrate on one thing long enough, I want to do it ALL. I’m excited by life but overwhelmed at the same time. I am going to try out meditation.

  5. Emma says:

    Just remember to keep breathing sweetie xx

  6. The wrecker in your head is your worst enemy. Don’t give it any air time. When you feel negative thoughts appearing – you know, the ones that tell you everything that’s wrong with you – that’s the wrecker speaking. You don’t have to listen. Tell it to shut up and GO AWAY. Then go and enjoy the garden.

  7. Reminds me of me all the time. I assume that isn’t normal then.

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